logging my ramblings, absent thoughts, and random phrases. my personal blog is on my kofi.
10/3/25 am i even real? am i even worth any of this hope? any of these prayers of happiness? and the minor victories that i score, is it karma to bless me or just random happenstance, the fruits of my labor despite the crushing feeling of dread overcoming me? maybe this life is not meant for me. i am meant to be something insignificant, like a leaf on a tree or a shell in the ocean. i am nothing noteworthy, yet i still yearn for more. where does my hunger stem from, pride, envy, wrath? maybe a mix of all three? plus the fear, the deep, mind flaying, sickening fear that i have within my soul. i hate all of this. i wish i could silence it all. i wish i could truly run away somewhere and be free, but i know no matter where i go i will never be free. this world, this nation, this life, and my life are all corrupted. there is no hope for a soul like me. this golden era of hope mayhaps be over. i am a changed woman. i have been a changed woman. changed for the worst or better? all i know is that im changed, and i walk with darkness and fear closely by my side. i wish to be free. i wish to be free of all of this. i want to truly evaporate into something unknown, and become an entity that has no presence, to become one and all and become something that has total freedom. but i never will feel that or live it. i will never be free. and happiness was never in my fate.
9/16/25 "if i am gonna spend this life quietly... then spending my whole life reading books sounds pretty nice, doesn't it?" - shimeji simulation
9/6/25 is the collective human spirit good or evil? how can we save this world, despite what we all see? i must do something
8/3/25 you must not rely on our luck as a crutch, own this raid with your prowess as a snot saintess - *****
8/1/25 the most dangerous man is a man with nothing to lose - *********
8/1/25 suffering is engrained into everything, pain is a close friend
7/15/25 any day above grounnd is a good one - ***** ****
7/11/25 sometimes i feel like nothing, air between the leaves and dirt underneath the foundation of the earth.
7/10/25 you're real!! you have to be real for me to do my job... im real !! ... - nl
10/29/24 sweet is sleep to me and even more to be of stone,
while the wrong and shame endure.
to be without sight or sense is a most happy change for me,
therefore do not rouse me. hush! speak low.
8/24/24 shared joy is a double joy, shared sorrow is half a sorrow
8/24/24 that which is unknown and unseen commands the greatest fear - culexus temple
8/22/24 immaculate integrity and reputation should not be hoarded alone. distribute these virtues to avert envy, avoid trouble, and safeguard oneself
6/17/24 wild and pure and forever free!
6/10/24 defeat oneself before defeating others - the double
6/7/24 living is the best revenge against your enemies - the double
6/6/24 mods crush their balls
6/2/24 you look like i need a drink
5/30/24 sweetness is the taste of life - new life begins
5/29/24 the only way to exist in an insane society, is also to be insane yourself - pobelter
5/29/24 my thirst for power vs my incapable body - i descend into madness as chat watches and laughs as i struggle, maybe this is my new life - let the fires consume me then, and let me acclimate to this new life
5/28/24 may the next beer not impede our speech but guide our words
5/27/24 love is destructive - eva
5/27/24 hunt train message: if you’re reading this: tense your jaw and shoulders, tighten your entire body, don’t drink water for 48 hours. You got this ♥
5/22/24 its all happened before, and somehow will happen again
5/16/24 sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow
4/30/24 i want to explore the library of alexandria
4/26/24 never knows best
4/21/24 the medicine makes me groggy
4/15/24 whose eyes are those eyes?
4/15/24 little by little, little makes a lot
4/10/24 i am a cog to my work. i am just a body. i am not a human. the childhood dream is tainted
4/9/24 work was stressful, i went skateboarding afterwards and listened to siouxsie and the banshees and felt better
4/8/24 i saw the eclipse darken the cloudy sky today, and for a moment outside my office i watched it alone - it was peaceful, quiet
4/7/24 i aint smoking no more, but i aint smokin no less
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